from the looks of it- there's just too much of everything. i know we've heard this all before- but seriously!
right now i'm in the process of looking for where to go from graduation. Masters, teaching abroad, big city internship, immersion fellowship, non-profit volunteer position- for crying out loud, how's a girl to decide?
but look down any avenue and the idea of "too much" hits you like a backhanded comment! There's just a lot of information. for me- as i'm weighing these options, i'm researching application processes, and requirements, and all the do and don't haves, and i'm realizing how much i need. unless i'm comparing myself to some standard- i don't usually look back over my accomplishments and think "nope, not enough- i'd better go write a best selling novella, or rescue an endangered species- so that way i can successfully pursue a passion". not at all- i'm proud of what i've mastered thus far, and am excited to see what new paths i'll explore in the future. so then what's with the sudden doubt? my tag is the comparison. the belief that all the "too much" should fit into our short life span in order to matter.
my best friend was relaying a conversation she had the other day with one of her guy friends. if he were a category he'd go in the advantageous hipster fashion mold. the type where even if whitney from the city picked your outfit- it still wouldn't meet standards. that guy. so anyway- her initial response wanting to compensate, to make up for his conceived view of her shortcomings. however, (and this is one of the infinity reasons she's my best friend) she quickly regained her stolen confidence and remembered that she liked how she dressed. that her definition of worth was not tied to her facade- but for a brief moment the "too much" overwhelmed perspective.
so then what? well, i can march forward- knowing that in order to be completely satisfied with our "much", without concerning with the "too", we look to what we know to be true. for me, i know that my heavenly father promises love and provision, regardless of credentials or requirements. so that's what i have to remind myself. i look ahead and hope for the unexpected greatness, and try not to let the overwhelming nature of merit be found in my own advances.
Thursday, February 19, 2009
Tuesday, February 17, 2009
honestly....
i wish people were more honest. ok, let me be specific- men, i wish men where more honest. it’s valentine’s day- i’m in the process of getting ready to go and and meet up with this guy i’ve been talking to for a month or so- but i’m not that excited. and he knows that- i mean that probably sounds terribly awful- but it’s true. and that’s all i really want from the opposite sex- give me the truth.
the reason that i’m on this soap box tonight stems from two very different situations.
first: guy number one- let’s call him davis :) so davis is this guy that i met one weekend about a month ago. he’s a friend of a friend- she thought we’d hit it off, but i hate any type of set up- plus i saw his picture, and it didn’t rock my world. wait, we’re being honest, so my exact words were “are you kidding? do you not know me at all?” quite harsh i realize. but then he surprised me- in a good way- and he got more attractive as i got to know him. so to sum up the encounter- it seemed me that we hit it off, just clicked and talked- not just about how great obama’s stimulus plan is, or what’s the best breakfast cereal- but what we want to do when we “grow up”, and how our upbringing affects us as adults. the kind of conversations harry had with sally. i thought it was fun, and contrary to being slightly brainwashed by princess fairy tails, i wasn't even expecting too much. the little that i was hoping for was an agreement that it did mean something. i wanted to know that even if nothing came from our weekend- it was good, and better then normal. just that it mattered. that would have been nice. however, my bad fortune in relationships found me and kicked my ass. no call, no acknowledgement. oh well right? better next time around. so here’s where i circle back to my original thought. why couldn’t he have just be honest with me? yes, i saw the movie “he’s just not that into you” and i’m not denying the possibility. just tell me- did i ask too many questions? was i to cynical? no- wait, you don’t like brunettes right? i don’t want to know the answers to change- i want to know the answers to understand.
it’s like in “sex in the city” when carrie’s boyfriend advisees miranda on a guy who’s not initiating- “he’s just not into you”- it was liberating! ok, got it, moving on! you want something different, is so much better than silence.
now the flip side. guy number two- collin- is my best guy friend. he’s actually second in line from my absolute best friend diana- so he’s up there :) anyway we've been friends for a long time, and on and off, i had the biggest thing for him the first two years of our friendship. he’s just an amazing man- really, really good guy. i’ve moved on from that since, and he’s actually about to be engaged to this incredible girl. i couldn't be happier, and remember we’re on this honesty kick- so i mean it.
anyway, collin and i were talking the other day, and he started off with, “ok don’t get weirded out, but.....” great start right? he proceeds to then tell me how the other morning he was thinking about me, and realized how attracted he is to me. he then explained that he didn’t know why all of the sudden this dawned on him- considering his “soon to be” fiancé- but that he wanted to let me know he thinks i’m beautiful and the complete package. it was refreshing- to hear from this guy, who i used to be crazy about- that i wasn't ignored. that he saw me, he heard me, and it was melodious.
i relay all of this to prove my point- not stroke my ego- i promise.....
so my point in rehashing these memories is simple. i’m so much better with honesty. neither situation ended with a sunset or white horse, but with the straightforward approach- i know where i stand. now i’m not wanting to let others define my position, but i cannot deny the fact that at times they do. and when they do i want them to be honest- 'cause that's what is going to stick the most.
the reason that i’m on this soap box tonight stems from two very different situations.
first: guy number one- let’s call him davis :) so davis is this guy that i met one weekend about a month ago. he’s a friend of a friend- she thought we’d hit it off, but i hate any type of set up- plus i saw his picture, and it didn’t rock my world. wait, we’re being honest, so my exact words were “are you kidding? do you not know me at all?” quite harsh i realize. but then he surprised me- in a good way- and he got more attractive as i got to know him. so to sum up the encounter- it seemed me that we hit it off, just clicked and talked- not just about how great obama’s stimulus plan is, or what’s the best breakfast cereal- but what we want to do when we “grow up”, and how our upbringing affects us as adults. the kind of conversations harry had with sally. i thought it was fun, and contrary to being slightly brainwashed by princess fairy tails, i wasn't even expecting too much. the little that i was hoping for was an agreement that it did mean something. i wanted to know that even if nothing came from our weekend- it was good, and better then normal. just that it mattered. that would have been nice. however, my bad fortune in relationships found me and kicked my ass. no call, no acknowledgement. oh well right? better next time around. so here’s where i circle back to my original thought. why couldn’t he have just be honest with me? yes, i saw the movie “he’s just not that into you” and i’m not denying the possibility. just tell me- did i ask too many questions? was i to cynical? no- wait, you don’t like brunettes right? i don’t want to know the answers to change- i want to know the answers to understand.
it’s like in “sex in the city” when carrie’s boyfriend advisees miranda on a guy who’s not initiating- “he’s just not into you”- it was liberating! ok, got it, moving on! you want something different, is so much better than silence.
now the flip side. guy number two- collin- is my best guy friend. he’s actually second in line from my absolute best friend diana- so he’s up there :) anyway we've been friends for a long time, and on and off, i had the biggest thing for him the first two years of our friendship. he’s just an amazing man- really, really good guy. i’ve moved on from that since, and he’s actually about to be engaged to this incredible girl. i couldn't be happier, and remember we’re on this honesty kick- so i mean it.
anyway, collin and i were talking the other day, and he started off with, “ok don’t get weirded out, but.....” great start right? he proceeds to then tell me how the other morning he was thinking about me, and realized how attracted he is to me. he then explained that he didn’t know why all of the sudden this dawned on him- considering his “soon to be” fiancé- but that he wanted to let me know he thinks i’m beautiful and the complete package. it was refreshing- to hear from this guy, who i used to be crazy about- that i wasn't ignored. that he saw me, he heard me, and it was melodious.
i relay all of this to prove my point- not stroke my ego- i promise.....
so my point in rehashing these memories is simple. i’m so much better with honesty. neither situation ended with a sunset or white horse, but with the straightforward approach- i know where i stand. now i’m not wanting to let others define my position, but i cannot deny the fact that at times they do. and when they do i want them to be honest- 'cause that's what is going to stick the most.
Sunday, February 15, 2009
maybends
It’s crazy how people in context can affect the one’s personal status. For example the other night I was with a group of “maybends. “maybends” are those who you’ve meet and have hung out with long enough to be still worried about the boundaries, but not overly anxious so that you don’t open up. Anyway, my “maybends didn’t know that I have traveled to Italy and speak a minimal amount of italian, however they were relatively unimpressed with my rendition of “goodnight moon” which was a learning tool to incorporate more italian vocab. So anyway- to these new friends, whose backgrounds vary from dartmouth to oxford, my semi skill was seemed to pat me on the back- you know the “aww, she learned how to brush her teeth” kinda way.
However, if this same situation where to have played out with a different group of friends- let’s say a group of friends that know me quite well- they type of people that share in your pain- when you flubbed up in front of your superior, or you had one to many to drink, and told them exactly how annoying they could be sometimes- those friends. those friend, they get excited that you now know the difference between the plural and singular article changes. those friends might laugh when you fall, but they’re still beside you to make sure you didn’t brake anything.
So my question then is- why do we put ourselves in those situations? do we chalk it up to the belief that the “maybends” will become “old” friends. and if so- how long until they make that transition. i still have friends that i’ve called dear for years, but if i’m honest- they’re still in the “maybends” category. and then on the flip side, there’s friends in the “old” category who have transcended into the “forever” list. they’re my favorite. given there’s only a handful. but i know that i can reach them at anytime and hear a friendly and loving tone. that’s rare. and maybe sometime in the future, i’ll add some more. and hopefully- a few of those “maybends” will make some moves as well.
However, if this same situation where to have played out with a different group of friends- let’s say a group of friends that know me quite well- they type of people that share in your pain- when you flubbed up in front of your superior, or you had one to many to drink, and told them exactly how annoying they could be sometimes- those friends. those friend, they get excited that you now know the difference between the plural and singular article changes. those friends might laugh when you fall, but they’re still beside you to make sure you didn’t brake anything.
So my question then is- why do we put ourselves in those situations? do we chalk it up to the belief that the “maybends” will become “old” friends. and if so- how long until they make that transition. i still have friends that i’ve called dear for years, but if i’m honest- they’re still in the “maybends” category. and then on the flip side, there’s friends in the “old” category who have transcended into the “forever” list. they’re my favorite. given there’s only a handful. but i know that i can reach them at anytime and hear a friendly and loving tone. that’s rare. and maybe sometime in the future, i’ll add some more. and hopefully- a few of those “maybends” will make some moves as well.
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